The friendship complex | Entry 5

Friendship. A simple enough word with the most complex explanation. A friend is someone who is there for you through thick and thin. A friend is someone who shares the more joyous occasions in life. A friend is someone who you can ride through every storm with. But what happens when a friend hurts you? Betrays you? Makes you feel as invisible to the world as you truly feel.

The past week or so has seen rehearsals take a more emotional turn, in terms of my own practice. Life at the moment is becoming a little too much to bear. I'm rediscovering old friendships, scared of having to lose established ones and worried about what the future holds.

During the past week, my peers and I were fortunate enough to have a workshop with Eddie Ladd – an amazing and inspirational performer who I'm fortunate enough to have as a mentor on this project. However, due to the re-evaluation of my life, and the way I am being made to feel, either purposely or accidentally, led to me suffering from three panic attacks recently.

My palms got sweaty. My head began to spin. My breath became uncontrollable.

But that’s not to say I don’t have great people in my life – my birthday celebrations were this week also, and this proved who was really there for me, and who was not – and the people who were not, hurt me. There’s no hiding the fact. But the people who were there, I want to thank you for getting me through a tough week, and for being a burning light in an ever-growing darkened environment.

It's fair to say the old comprehensive school hierarchy is still alive and well.

However, when applying this to mental health – most people experience isolation, the Mental Health Foundation describes it as the ‘Lonely Society’ with 12% of people experiencing this in 2008, and that is simply heart-breaking.

This pain, I can describe it as, that I felt this past week, (a pain that led to an emotional encounter with university tutors) led to the lyrics of Declan Donovan – in which he describes the human conditions, how easy it is for us to contemplate but not act, and based on recent events, this struck a major chord – and has led to a total re-think of ideas for ‘To Build a Home’. Possibly a new form of delivery, or the creation of a delicate physicalised multimedia score, who knows? Only time will tell.

But one thing is for sure. This week has changed me as a person and the world better prepare itself.